I think my vagina is haunted
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
