Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
