I wish my penis had an off switch
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
