my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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