when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
