the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
please come you make the beer taste better
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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