you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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