he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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