I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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