today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
