i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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