im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I checked into jail on foursquare
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
