God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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