How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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