kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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