He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Yup. One sock.