my room smells like sperm. sweet.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
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He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
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My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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