i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
