i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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