I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
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I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
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She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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