Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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