your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
