My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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