I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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