I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
