Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
