why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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