There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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