Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
