she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
