either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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