She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
