I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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