you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
