i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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