I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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