Sorry, I don't speak sober.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
