I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
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I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
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Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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