I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
