What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
