She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
