My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
