Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Sorry my hands just texted you
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
