Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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