you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I think my moral compass just broke
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
