She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
