so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
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Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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