where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
