APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My ATM looks so different sober.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
