The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
