I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
