Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
