i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she peed on how many people?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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